Transformers 2: Return of Low Expectation

Posted by Chris at 8:48 PM

I tried very hard to enjoy 2007's Transformers, but director Michael Bay effortlessly thwarted my very best intentions at every turn by matching every cool aspect of the movie shot for shot with twice as much absurdity and campy pointlessness. Accordingly, as everyone else seems rapt with expectation for the 2009 followup Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, I'm finding myself prepped for disappointment. The following is list of three improvements upon the original necessary for me to walk into the sequel with even a remotely positive attitude, each of which is met by Michael Bay promptly shitting in my face.

1. No gaping plot holes -- In the original film it is revealed that Megatron's master plan was to use the Allspark to turn Earth's technology into a new army of decepticons. However, Megatron crash-landed on Earth and became encased in ice over 1000 years before any of that technology existed, and was actually used as the blueprint that allowed humanity to create all of that technology that he supposedly planned to turn against them in the first place. What the fuck?

Any hope of a coherent plot for the sequel?
TFW2005 has confirmed that the silver/gray customized hardtop Pontiac Solstice GXP vehicle prop has been spotted on the set of the new film, suggesting the return of autobot Jazz, despite the fact that he but torn in half by Megatron at the end of the first film. Hmmm.

+/- More Ranting

2. No John Turturro -- Believe me, it absolutely pains me to say this as I am a fervent fan of the bulk of his work, but John Turturro's Agent Simmons was one of the worst characters of all time. Turturro's character was so absurd that he felt like a fucking cartoon. Here was this ridiculously inept, bumbling idiot, who had also been put in charge of the world's most top secret program, and Bay took every opportunity possible to hammer it into our skulls.

Has Simmons been deservingly written out of the sequel?
Nope, still in it. Shit.

3. Actual Transformer character development -- For being a movie about robots, Transformers featured only the shallowest of character development for the autobot protagonists, while the decepticons received no attention whatsoever. The movie is called Transformers, not "Shia LaBeouf is a bitch for 2 hours". And besides, the deeper parts should go to the better actors anyway. (Yes, I'm talking about the fucking CGI robots)

So, will the sequel make time for more individual robot attention? Take it away screenwriter Robert Orci:
"I'd love and think we could almost barely manage ten on each side, with some front and center and others as more supporting." Ten plus ten equals TWENTY. Fuck me.


Oh well, if it's bad enough I'll just react the same way I did to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull....... pretend it doesn't exist.