9 movies I like to pretend don’t exist

Posted by Patrick at 2:02 PM

I think I have a relatively open and accepting view of most movies. I like my fair share and hate quite a few as well. It takes a truly unique film for me to just flat out refuse to acknowledge its existence. I begrudgingly open long-closed wounds and have assembled a list of the films that I simply refuse to acknowledge. I am, and the world is, better off just forgetting these films.

9) Batman and Robin

The more Christopher Nolan Batman films that come out, the more I want to forget this movie. The casting is abysmal, the script is preposterous, the sets look like shitty amusement park rides, and we are subjected to the Governor of California uttering such famous lines such as these. (Youtube video) . I think you can all see why I like to forget this movie.



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8) GodFather Pt 3

The crippling end to an epic movie franchise. This is the theatrical equivalent to Cooper Manning. You know, the Manning brother without a super bowl ring.

7) Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2

A movie about super intelligent babies that can talk. This is the sequel. It makes me uncomfortable to think of the people that thought this was a good idea, and oddly enough it stares Jon Voight.

6) Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull


From CGI groundhogs to ridiculously helpful monkeys, this movie drips with absurdity. Not only does Indiana Jones survive a nuclear explosion, he does so while hiding inside a lead-lined refrigerator which is magically propelled to a safe distance, even though everything else within the blast zone, lead or otherwise, is completely vaporized. Shia LaBeouf is supposed to be a 50s greaser a la Rebel Without a Cause, but he comes off as a bi-curious punk while Cate Blanchett portrays one of the most boring villains ever, who may have psychic powers, although she never actually gets them to work. And don't even get me started on the ending.

5) Every Land before time after the first one

The dinosaurs are going extinct in the first one, they stretch that out into 13 movies. Seriously, 13 movies, I looked it up.

4) Hulk (Ang Lee)

Never has any movie ever made me yearn for a low-budget 70’s television show more. At least the TV show had good stories and at least one heart warming moment per episode. Ang Lee is quite possible the only man of earth that can make a movie based on a giant green monster wreaking havoc and blowing stuff up so utterly boring. He failed to make the most destructive superhero at all exciting. Impressive in its own regard I suppose. I am just happy I can replace this image of the hulk with the 2008 Edward Norton reboot. Norton’s portrayal may not be perfect but it's enough to get me to forget this monstrosity.

3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (remake)

Watching this movie was like watching my childhood being raped. I would not have near as many problems with it as I do, if I wouldn’t have grown up watching the original as a child. Going from Gene Wilder as a lovable kook to Johnny Depp as an obvious child molestor really shook me up. It just makes things a lot easier and less confusing if I just pretend like it doesn’t exist

2) Spiderman 3

What a cinematic cluster fuck. Spiderman 3 took a compelling narrative that had been building over two fairly good installments and completely tore it to shreds for the sake of a toy line that needed as many villains as possible. Not only did this movie take the Goblin plot line, which had been set up for a dramatic conclusion, and turn Harry Osbourne into a big douche bag on a flying snow board, but it absolutely gutted the venom story line, painfully forcing venom into the movie at the last minute via studio intervention. Also, Peter Parker has a dance scene.

1) Rocky 5

This movie does not exist