I think I have a relatively open and accepting view of most movies. I like my fair share and hate quite a few as well. It takes a truly unique film for me to just flat out refuse to acknowledge its existence. I begrudgingly open long-closed wounds and have assembled a list of the films that I simply refuse to acknowledge. I am, and the world is, better off just forgetting these films.
9) Batman and Robin
The more Christopher Nolan Batman films that come out, the more I want to forget this movie. The casting is abysmal, the script is preposterous, the sets look like shitty amusement park rides, and we are subjected to the Governor of California uttering such famous lines such as these. (Youtube video) . I think you can all see why I like to forget this movie.
Famed writer Chuck Palahniuk recently announced on his blog that the rights have been optioned to a movie adaptation of his novel Rant. Previous big screen adaptations of Palahniuk's work include 1999's Fight Club and 2008's Choke, which releases at the end of next month. Rant follows the life of Buster Landru "Rant" Casey in a dystopian future in which urban dwellers are divided into the privileged day-timers and maligned night-timers. The night-timers participate in the practice of Party Crashing, a form of demolition derby, and apparently there's a rabies epidemic thrown into the mix as well.
Dear Jeff Goldblum,
I feel that this letter has been a long time in the making, but it is imperative at this time of crossroads in your life that I get some important things off my chest. In the words of Conan O’Brien, “the eye always goes to Goldblum.”
+/- Nostalgic Musings
Well, allow me to start with my earliest recollections of your career. Like many kids of my generation my first introduction to the quirky Pittsburgh native named Jeff Goldblum was as Dr. Ian Malcolm in 1993’s Jurassic Park. I listened Dr. Malcolm’s take on chaos theory without knowing exactly what he was saying, but even as a child I knew. I knew there was something very strange about that weird actor Jeff Goldblum.
Via the continued successes of Independence Day and The Lost World: Jurassic Park, you were able to cement yourself in my young mind not as just some oddball supporting character type, but as a “big time actor”, or at least what I understood one to be. Your quirks played very well against more sobering cast members, and provided for some very subtle humor that is both hard to write, and even harder to fake.
Later, with the the advent of your iMac marketing campaign in the late 1990s, your presence had shifted away from just my favorite summer movies, to an almost omnipotent state by which you were now invading my living room as well. These commercials not only showcased that endearing wit and quirkiness that I had already grown to love, but they also confirmed a sneaking suspicion that had begun to mount after seeing your successive movies..... and that was that you were in real life just as strange as the characters you portrayed on screen. A very weird man indeed.
And then the dreamed died. Or so i thought. You see, I was old enough to know that with the exception of your movies being shown on TV, that your visibility had seemed to completely disintegrate. Coincidentally, this was also about the time I became aware of 1986’s The Fly, of which I was quite disgusted. To this day I still can’t shake off that last sequence where Geena Davis blows your brains out with a shotgun. Thanks for that.
However, thanks to Saturday Night Live (which for our younger readers is a program that used to be funny), we were provided with at least one bit for the Jeff Goldblum highlight reel, by way of Will Ferrel’s hilarious rendition of Cubs announcer Harry Caray.
Despite briefs moments of Goldblum gold through the beginning of the new millennium, I once again found myself disgusted with the lack of presence of a figure who had always proved to be so entertaining throughout my childhood. And then, in 2004 it seemed that the skies had opened up and God was smiling down on us all. Reintroduced to you by your role in Wes Anderson’s The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, I marveled not only at the fact the all the subtle quirkiness seemed to still shine through after all those years, but that the sense of humor seemed to have matured with me to an intriguing new level. With Life Aquatic I thought to myself, “Jeff Goldblum fits perfectly into the tone of this movie,” and I was excited at the prospect of not only a continuation in that vein, but of a second golden age for one of my favorite actors.
But atlas, perhaps it wasn’t in the cards. I waited and waited for the amazing follow up role to match the greatness of Life Aquatic, but it didn’t come. And then, in 2007, NBC brought me “Raines”, and I thought, “OK, this isn’t what I wanted for Goldblum, but I’ll give it a shot.” Seven episodes in it was canceled, and so were my dreams. You deserved better.
However, I know that somewhere Jeff Goldblum is still out there. From time to time I still see him on classic appearances on shows like Conan that leave me in stitches, and it for this reason, that I would like to humbly put forth a few points of advice for one of the greats. Jeff, the country needs you:.
Three Humble Reccomendations
1. 2009’s Adam Resurrected looks to be shaping up well for you. I’m extremely interested by both the subject matter and the prospect of a Jeff Goldblum/ Willem Dafoe dual ticket. I’m not too familiar with Paul Schrader as a director, but the man wrote The Last Temptation of Christ, Raging Bull, and Taxi Driver, so I’d say he’s got some credentials.
2. While Life Aquatic may not have served as the heralding reintroduction that I had hoped for, I still believe that it was a very interesting and well-suited avenue for you, and I would love to see you explore it further. Who knows, as much as Wes Anderson tends to reuse his cast members, there might just be a part for you in one of his future films.
3. Finally, I know that you are a serious actor, but if you still have that stomach for it I believe there may finally be room for you to return to the magical summer movie blockbuster realm. It may seem like a stretch to some, but you have a proven track record of likability, and hell, if Robert Downey Jr. can be reborn into the good graces of hollywood, then I’d say that there’s probably room for you too. Leave Geena Davis at home though. But seriously, it would seem to be that in a Hollywood where the comedic circles of thought are currently divided into two polar camps, with the excessive shock value of the Apatow/Rogen camp on one side, and what has become the inanely numbing repetitiveness of the Ferrel/Stiller camp on the other, that the art of quirky, subtle, oddball humor that you have come to represent is something that is completely lost on them. As always, we need more Goldblum.
I tried very hard to enjoy 2007's Transformers, but director Michael Bay effortlessly thwarted my very best intentions at every turn by matching every cool aspect of the movie shot for shot with twice as much absurdity and campy pointlessness. Accordingly, as everyone else seems rapt with expectation for the 2009 followup Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, I'm finding myself prepped for disappointment. The following is list of three improvements upon the original necessary for me to walk into the sequel with even a remotely positive attitude, each of which is met by Michael Bay promptly shitting in my face.
Any hope of a coherent plot for the sequel?
TFW2005 has confirmed that the silver/gray customized hardtop Pontiac Solstice GXP vehicle prop has been spotted on the set of the new film, suggesting the return of autobot Jazz, despite the fact that he but torn in half by Megatron at the end of the first film. Hmmm.
+/- More Ranting
Has Simmons been deservingly written out of the sequel?
Nope, still in it. Shit.
3. Actual Transformer character development -- For being a movie about robots, Transformers featured only the shallowest of character development for the autobot protagonists, while the decepticons received no attention whatsoever. The movie is called Transformers, not "Shia LaBeouf is a bitch for 2 hours". And besides, the deeper parts should go to the better actors anyway. (Yes, I'm talking about the fucking CGI robots)
So, will the sequel make time for more individual robot attention? Take it away screenwriter Robert Orci:
"I'd love and think we could almost barely manage ten on each side, with some front and center and others as more supporting." Ten plus ten equals TWENTY. Fuck me.
Oh well, if it's bad enough I'll just react the same way I did to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull....... pretend it doesn't exist.
The Skinny: Lifelong friends Acerola (Douglas Silva) and Laranjinha (Darlan Cunha) struggle to survive in the midst of brutal gang warfare while discovering things about their fathers’ secret pasts that have the potential to shatter their friendship forever. 2007’s City of Men offers another visceral look into to the lives of impoverished Brazilians living in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro. Directed by Paulo Morelli, City of Men is a companion to 2002’s City of God, and a continuation of a TV series of the same name. The movie contains some flashbacks to events of the TV series, but all of them are fairly contextual and the plot of the movie itself is completely self-contained. The cinematography doesn’t quite live up that of it’s predecessor, but production value is still very high and the story itself is fast-paced and compelling. In Portugese with English subtitles.
+/- Full Review
Acerola, or “Ace”, is a husband and father in the body of a scared eighteen year old boy. He misses his childhood and fears the immense responsibility and expectation being thrust upon him. Neither he nor his best friend Laranjinha ever had a father, but Laranjinha is especially haunted by the absence of the father whose name he doesn’t even know. The fact that neither boy has a father is endemic of the gang warfare culture in which they live. The women are left to stay at home while the men kill each other in the streets. Ace and Laranjinha are unsure and reluctant young men in a slum where ever other kid their age is pointing a gun at someone. When a power struggle erupts between gang boss Midnight, who happens to be Laranjinha’s cousin, and a top lieutenant, the two find themselves in the midst of a deadly game of king of the hill that will leave no family unscathed.
City of Men differs from City of God both stylistically and in narrative structure. City of God was done in a faux-documentary style, shot with handheld cameras and utilizing lots of quick cuts. This had the dual effect of making the action both visceral and eerily detached. The style fit the narrative quite well as it focused much more on the evolution on the gang culture over the course of several generations. In comparison, City of Men is structured in a much more traditional narrative centered around the friendship of Ace Laranjinha, with the cinematography structured likewise. Additionally, the sheer nihilistic brutality of the violence in City of God has been toned down a bit for City of Men, as is the level of drug use, which is virtually nonexistent in City of Men. It’s strictly personal preference, but I have to say that I prefer the style of City of God, simply due to the frightening degree of realism for which it allows. Regardless, both films are alike in that they harbor absolutely zero sympathetic or romantic notions toward death. There are no epic gun battles here. People get shot. People die. That’s it.
Any minor gripes do not subvert the fact that this film is a rich and entertaining experience that is very much worth your time. The characters in this film are dealing with all the same stresses and pains of day-to-day life and growing up, with the added intensity that every time they leave their house they risk the danger of catching a stray bullet. If you enjoyed City of God, you will enjoy this movie. If you haven’t seen either, see City of God first, then this, and chances are you’ll enjoy the hell out of both of them. If you’re hungry for even more, you can also track down the acclaimed TV series which is available stateside on DVD.
8) GodFather Pt 3
The crippling end to an epic movie franchise. This is the theatrical equivalent to Cooper Manning. You know, the Manning brother without a super bowl ring.
7) Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2
A movie about super intelligent babies that can talk. This is the sequel. It makes me uncomfortable to think of the people that thought this was a good idea, and oddly enough it stares Jon Voight.
6) Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
From CGI groundhogs to ridiculously helpful monkeys, this movie drips with absurdity. Not only does Indiana Jones survive a nuclear explosion, he does so while hiding inside a lead-lined refrigerator which is magically propelled to a safe distance, even though everything else within the blast zone, lead or otherwise, is completely vaporized. Shia LaBeouf is supposed to be a 50s greaser a la Rebel Without a Cause, but he comes off as a bi-curious punk while Cate Blanchett portrays one of the most boring villains ever, who may have psychic powers, although she never actually gets them to work. And don't even get me started on the ending.
5) Every Land before time after the first one
The dinosaurs are going extinct in the first one, they stretch that out into 13 movies. Seriously, 13 movies, I looked it up.
4) Hulk (Ang Lee)
Never has any movie ever made me yearn for a low-budget 70’s television show more. At least the TV show had good stories and at least one heart warming moment per episode. Ang Lee is quite possible the only man of earth that can make a movie based on a giant green monster wreaking havoc and blowing stuff up so utterly boring. He failed to make the most destructive superhero at all exciting. Impressive in its own regard I suppose. I am just happy I can replace this image of the hulk with the 2008 Edward Norton reboot. Norton’s portrayal may not be perfect but it's enough to get me to forget this monstrosity.
3) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (remake)
Watching this movie was like watching my childhood being raped. I would not have near as many problems with it as I do, if I wouldn’t have grown up watching the original as a child. Going from Gene Wilder as a lovable kook to Johnny Depp as an obvious child molestor really shook me up. It just makes things a lot easier and less confusing if I just pretend like it doesn’t exist
2) Spiderman 3
1) Rocky 5What a cinematic cluster fuck. Spiderman 3 took a compelling narrative that had been building over two fairly good installments and completely tore it to shreds for the sake of a toy line that needed as many villains as possible. Not only did this movie take the Goblin plot line, which had been set up for a dramatic conclusion, and turn Harry Osbourne into a big douche bag on a flying snow board, but it absolutely gutted the venom story line, painfully forcing venom into the movie at the last minute via studio intervention. Also, Peter Parker has a dance scene.
This movie does not exist